Another week has come and gone. It seems like the days are going by way too quickly.
In one of my favorite blogs Grammology , Dorothy is discussing what she wants in life. Her message has really touched me. Although I am much younger than Dorothy I still believe I need to ask myself that same question. As I get older time starts flying by faster and faster. My biggest priority right now is my children. Sometimes I feel guilty if I don’t spend that extra time helping my oldest with her homework. I wish that I could have enough time to play with the little ones more or take more photos. I still need to get my video camera out again. I think the last time I filmed my babies was when Conan was 6 months old. That was ten months ago.
I also wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t make some of the decisions in the past. What would it be like if we decided to stay in Wisconsin instead of moving out here? Would I be happier? If we stayed back there we would be living with my parents instead of in a house on our own. If we stayed in Wisconsin Courtney would be attending a much smaller school. Conan and Ciara would know their Grandma and Grandpa Luther better. If we decided not to move to California would Chris and I still be together or maybe we’d be in the middle of a huge custody battle. So I guess there is a reason for all of this but I am not happy with how everything has turned out in my life so far.
So that brings me back to Dorothy’s question. What do I want in my life? I think I need to sit down and answer that question before I become an old, depressed lady with too much regret. I love my children and I know that their needs should come first but I think it is time I do something for myself. I just haven’t figured out what that something is yet. Maybe I need to pray about it.
I do know what I am unhappy about. I feel worthless because here I am thirty years old with a college degree and I haven’t used it yet. The most money I have ever made is $13 an hour working as a merchandiser. But does money equal success? Today’s society sure seems to think so. American’s value money. You are nobody if you don’t have money. And with the whole credit crunch, housing bust, economic meltdown etc. you can not afford a future for your children without money. Now I am returning back to my main priority in my life, my children.
Maybe I just need to develop and encourage my children’s strengths so they can become more successful than I am. Or maybe there is something else out there for me. I need some sort of sense of accomplishment. Or is being a mother and wife enough of an accomplishment? I still don’t know. But like Sharpay in High School Musical, “I want more.”
To participate in this meme add your link to Mr. Linky’s. Then make a blog post reflecting back on your week with a link back to Weekend Reflection Sponsored by Healthy Moms. I will visit everyone that participates.