The face of Postpartum Depression

In that picture I look like I have no cares in the world and am the most happy person you will ever meet, right? WRONG! So very wrong! I have suffered from depression for years and it gets much worse after I have babies. I had it after I had Devin, but was in denial and did not get treatment. Luckily, I was able to work through it by going back to work and being “away” for a few hours a day. After I had Makenzie though, I was not able to work through it alone. My PPD began after I had to have an appendectomy not even three weeks after giving birth via csection to Makenzie. I think it was just too much on my body. I sank into a deep depression and had panic attacks at night when my husband would leave for work. I would be fine one minute and raging mad the next. I never thought of hurting anyone thank goodness (that’s actually post partum psychosis- something much worse than PPD), but there were several times when I just couldn’t imagine how I was going to be alone in the house at night when David was at work with these five kids to be responsible for. I would have bad dreams about “forgetting” Makenzie at the mall and wake up in a panic thinking it wasn’t a dream. That’s when I knew I needed help.

I called my OB and he put me on zoloft. It has been a wonder drug. I could almost tell a difference immediately and a few weeks after being on it, David thanked me for taking it- LOL (guess he noticed a bit of a difference too) I’ve had to up the dosage once so far thanks to my body getting “used” to it- but all in all it’s been a remarkable improvement. And the best of all… zoloft is considered safe during breastfeeding so I am allowed to take it while nursing. I still have good days and bad days, but on the meds there are more good days than bad. And I’m happy to report that I no longer have weird dreams about “forgetting” Makenzie, or anyone else for that matter 😉

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I’m posting this in case some of you reading this are like I used to be and are ashamed to call your DR and tell them you have PPD. I thought I had to be a supermom and be able to handle everything with grace and if I didn’t then I was a failure as a mom. I’ve since learned that I would have failed had I not gotten help. Calling my OB was very tough; admitting I had PPD was even tougher… but I’m glad I had the courage to get the help I needed. So is my family 🙂


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  • Helene , July 21, 2009

    Michelle, this is a wonderful post! Thank you for being so open and honest about your experience with PPD. I suffered from horrible PPD too and I found that no one really talked about it openly. After I was diagnosed and finally feeling better, I talked to a couple friends about it and they admitted that they had suffered from PPD too. It's sad that society makes women feel that it's something they need to be ashamed of.

  • Michelle , July 21, 2009

    Absolutely Helene! There are so many people out there that have the “Tom Cruise” opinion on PPD and they are so wrong.

    I'm happy to share my experience and I'm so glad you shared yours as well 🙂

  • Grampy , July 21, 2009

    Hi Ladies
    I am not going to say I understand the PPD. But I do understand the depression. I take zoloft and have been for years. It is the best thing that ever happened to me. My brother in law won't. He says he would rather fight it. A bunch of macho S–t.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • Cascia , July 21, 2009

    Good for you to get the help that you needed. I wish I was that brave after my little ones were born. I've been suffering from depression pretty much all my life. I've taken zoloft in the past and am planning on going back on it after this one is born. I agree it truly is a wonder drug.

  • ModernMom , July 22, 2009

    What a great post. I think it is wonderful that you have written about your experience with such candor grace. I have a friend who is having a such a difficult time with PostPartum. Its so important for us women to stick together and support each other.

  • Anonymous , August 3, 2009

    ……there's a comment that I don;t agree with……and I have the thoughts of harming my baby…. he's 5 months old now. i DO NOT have PPP. What I have is PP/OCD. There are so many DX's on the perinatal spectrum and while I am so glad that you didn't have to suffer about harming your beautiful baby… I do…. and they are just thoughts I have, not fantasies….. PPP ususally happens within the 4 weeks PP….. didn't know if you knew this………I am also very honest with what I am going through and I just thought that I'd clarify what PPP is and isn't.

  • mommymuse , August 12, 2009

    Thanks for posting this – I'm including you in this week's Favorites PPD Blog Posts at . Bravely sharing your picture and honest words could be a lifeline to other moms!

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