I pray every day. I may not get down on my knees and read the bible regularly, but I do have a relationship with my Lord. I speak with him like he is an old friend. I also know that he speaks to me too. But lately it has been hard for me to figure out what path he has laid out for me to take.
When we found out that my husband got the promotion for the job up in Spokane, Washington we were thrilled and thought we were truly blessed. The Lord was telling us that we are doing a good job and it is time for us to begin a new chapter. However, he threw us a curve ball that we were not expecting.
“I am also blessing you with another child,” the Lord said to me. I replied, “What! This is not part of my plan. Chris and I are done having children. We are done! Our family is complete.”
But the Lord had other plans.
During my first trimester for Number Five, I had no symptoms. I did not get nauseous. My breasts were not tender and sore. I felt like I had a ton of energy. I certainly need that chasing after four very active children. I blamed my missed period on the birth control. So I decided I would stop taking it with the hopes that my cycle would return to normal.
When my son, Conan turned three everyone went swimming. My swim suit is pretty tight and clings to my belly. While we were in the pool, a little girl approached me and innocently said, “Cascia you have a baby in your belly.”
I replied, “No I don’t. We are done having children.”
That statement from the little girl made me more self conscious about my body image so I decided I needed to do something about that belly. I changed my diet and started working out to Jillian. I love Jillian! She really knows how to get you moving and your heart racing. I also purchased a slimmer belt to help lose what I thought was water weight.
After a couple of weeks of wearing the slimmer belt, eating low calorie high fiber foods and working out to Jillian I thought that my tummy looked a little slimmer. So I went to our local discount store and purchased a few tiny shortie shorts to celebrate (I also needed them for our trip to Disney Land).
I was resting on the couch on evening and realized that I felt something strange in my abdomen. It wasn’t gas. I didn’t feel sick. But after having four kids I knew what it was. A tiny little person was making his/her presence known by squirming and moving around in his/her mommy’s womb. Oh, sh*t! I really am pregnant. After thinking about it a little more I realized that the last time I had a regular period was back in March. March 27, to be exact. And, Chris and I did (you know what) back in April. So that would make me (at the time) nineteen weeks along. Using an online pregnancy due date calculator I found out that my due date is New Years Day, 2011. What a Christmas present this is going to be.
So what exactly is the Lord telling us? I am so confused. Maybe he is upset because I was using birth control. So he said, “Cascia, I’ll show you! I’ll make sure that birth control doesn’t work for you.” But that doesn’t sound like Him to me. Maybe He is once again challenging me. He challenged me when we moved out here to California.
I left my whole life back in Wisconsin. All my friends are still there, my family is still there and I was happy. But I decided I needed to move for the sake of my marriage.
Maybe He is really truly blessing us once again. But I still don’t understand. Now we are going to have one more mouth to feed. One more child to pay for and send to preschool. One more child to send to college. When I think of this child all I see are $$$$. I am scared to death. But the Lord only gives us what we can handle. I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Have faith. He will provide.” This statement is true but I am having a tough time dealing with it.
When we move Chris will get a pay raise but our expenses are going to go up considerably. Currently we live in his Grandmother’s home rent free. We also drive a van that is registered to his father and do not have a car payment. Our only expenses are Internet, energy, food, gasoline, car insurance, misc. items for our children and home, student loan payments, and my business expenses. Starting this weekend we will be getting our own cell phones and be free from his parents’ plan so this will be another bill to add to our list.
After our move we will also have to include rent, preschool, and a car payment (the title to the van is going to be transferred to my husband). In order to afford all of this we will have to either cut back on a few things in our budget or I have to bring in some extra income. So far I’ve made about $20 on sales from The Healthy Moms Online. I opened it up on July 1. This is not nearly enough to supplement our income. If I am having another baby I will not be able to go back to work for a while.
I am scared to death. I guess my only choice is to pray. Lord, what are you telling me? I am confused.